Thursday, December 06, 2007

One Night in New York...

So I was going to write a blog about how bloggers like to write using one of those time-stamp themed blogs. And make fun of the fact that we all do it (did I just include myself in the “we” of bloggers?). But, a recent occurrence has provided the perfect episode for me to utilize this device to tell a story. So, I’m just gonna have to use it. Deal with it.

This story is about a little party for a little girl in a little club in a little city. More specifically a Birthday Party for Gretchen at Plumm in NYC.

11:05- Arrival at club with my “entourage.” Walk to front of line to inform bouncer we are on the list for the Dave and the Bloc Group Party. Bouncer says in the most condescending of voices, “The line” and points to the line (Right here and now I should have realized this night was doomed).

11:11- Get to front of line, show bouncer our IDs, are given tickets to get in, and enter.

11:13- Walk in to find several people already there, but no party set-up or alcohol waiting for us. Seems not so excellent, but I figure the alcohol may arrive with the birthday girl (who was instructed to come “fashionably late” with her “entourage”… no I’m not kidding).

11:25- Calls coming in from my friend Seth who is outside, with Brendan and Katie and 3 of her friends. They can’t get in. Apparently the bouncers are telling them that “no one from the Bloc Group is here.” Clearly a misunderstanding, because there are 25 of us already inside, so just tell them this, I say. Nope, not helping. They have to “buy a bottle” to get in (side bar: for those of you who don’t live in New York and/or aren’t familiar with this “scene,” essentially “buying a bottle” means purchasing a bottle of alcohol that is your very own and sits on a table of your very own. Cheap bottles of cheap alcohol run about $300. Just for perspective), and they clearly don’t want to do that.

11:28- I schlep out in the cold to try to rationally explain to the bouncers why my friends should be allowed in and that no, they don’t need to buy a bottle. I am yelled at probably 4 times by Tony, the bouncer with the camo coat, whose vocabulary doesn’t extend too dramatically past four letter expletives and commands. No but really sir, 25 of us are already… “GET THE F*CK BACK INSIDE, THEY’LL WAIT THEIR TURN TO GET IN.” Ok then.

11:32- I’m called again by Katie, still outside, still cold, still trying to convince Tony and Co. that they don’t need to buy a bottle and that they are there for a party. She tells me to talk to Miguel.

11:34- Standing in the entryway I talk to Miguel, seemingly a relatively rational and reasonable human being. I try to figure out just what the miscommunication is, because, CLEARLY, there has been some miscommunication as to the nature of this event. He is calm throughout the conversation but does manage to slip in about 5 times how “It’s Saturday, it’s going to be an incredibly packed night tonight, lots of people” and informs me he can’t give any more free entries, that Dave and the Bloc Group are basically a myth, and that security could basically kick our entire group out at any time because we don’t have a bottle. So, with all my charm and I kindness try to maneuver this man around to the idea of a solution rather than focusing on the problem that is apparently front and center in his mind. Say, the fact that the birthday girl will shortly be arriving to a party that she can’t get into? No thank you.

Let’s devise a solution.

11:36- “Because those girls were so nice” Miguel lets the 4 girls in for free, but the guys have to pay full-priced entry ($25). And he informed me “I’ll take care of the birthday girl, because it’s her birthday, but you best turn off ‘ya phone, because I won’t be lettin’ no one else in fo’ free. Tonight is Saturday…” Ok, fine, great, thanks. Apparently somewhere in the negotiations Miguel heard me promise that I would buy a bottle if he let them in. Um, I’m sorry what? LOST IN TRANSLATION.

11:37- Arrival of scantily clad waitress with “bottle service” menu. Awesome. I’m sorry miss, could we wait juuust a few minutes until the birthday girl arrives? Thanks. CAN SOMEONE GET ME A DRINK PLEASE?? Boy did I need one.

11:45- The troops are growing restless. And it’s only 11:45. When is Gretchen coming? Where is the free alcohol? Why are drinks $12? Why are all the people who work here mean? And since I’m the only one who knows even a shred of anything about anything, I got the 20 questions from, oh right, everyone. NO REALLY, CAN I PLEASE GET A DRINK??

11:50- Arrival of Gretchen’s friends from the Jerz. All the way from the Jerz, huh? Sorry to disappoint you kids, but, this ship is sinking fast. Friend #1 informs me that when she went to order a drink and the bartender went to charge her $11 for it, she kindly informed said bartender that she was with the birthday group and thought she didn’t have to pay?? Bartender’s response: “Well why dontchoo go get your little friend and I’ll give both of you a lesson in how to pay for a drink.” Awesome.

11:51- The dang waitress again, cheerily asking if I’ve decided. No, goshdangit, I haven’t.

11:55- It’s clear now that Gretchen and the rest of the party are outside trying to get in. Unsuccessfully. For like say the past 20 minutes. And really, no one knows why.

12:15- People are about ready to revolt. The 35 year old women with their thongs hanging out who are STILL dancing on the poles have long since lost our attention.

12:20- The waitress. Again.

12:30- Executive decision by everyone inside that we just want to have fun, and if this isn’t the place, that’s fine, we’re all entirely 100% happy to go elsewhere where people are NICE. Where the birthday girl doesn’t have to stand in the cold for 40 minutes. Where it’s not forty bajillion dollars to buy anything. Now, to try to get Gretchen on board with this idea, as she’s probably in a fragile state…

12:32- I schlep back outside for the 3rd time to find Gretch plus ohhh say 20 people standing in their own separate line. Apparently Dave (of Blog Group infamy) is inside arguing with the manager. Meanwhile, nothing is happening. So I get everyone on board with the idea of LEAVING, taking the party to somewhere awesome and fun and great. Gretch looks like she wants to melt into the concrete right here and now, but I assure her that it’s completely and totally ridiculous that everyone has been standing outside for 40 minutes, I don’t give two beanpiles about what Dave thinks he can negotiate, it’s just absurd, and I don’t want to give this place anymore business or time or energy, so let’s all go have a fun fun time.

12:34- Everyone inside comes outside. We’re all standing on the sidewalk trying to regroup and replan, completely out of the line and away from the club entrance. One of the bouncers starts yelling (yes, yelling) at us to get off the sidewalk. The absurdity of a man yelling at people to get off a public sidewalk is just too much for me to handle. Apparently Jon feels the same way, as he calmly points out to the bouncer that he doesn’t have to move anywhere. At all. The bouncer thinks that raising his voice and yelling louder will actually impact Jon’s decision to move. And it actually does, because Jon is now more resolved to stand right there in front of the bouncer than he was 4 seconds prior to the yelling. I love Jon.

12:36- Just as we’re about to leave Blog Group Dave comes flying out of the door to inform us we can ALL get in RIGHT NOW. I’m skeptical, but file back in with everyone.

12:38- We’re standing, en masse, in the entryway, essentially blocking it off entirely, as we have to wait for Dave to go back inside to get tickets for those who had not already been inside for a first time.

12:39- Large tall bouncer comes in screaming “Get out ‘da way!!” I look him straight in the face and say, “’Please’ would be the correct word.” He apparently doesn’t find this amusing, as he responds with words that I shall not repeat, because my grandmother reads my blog.

12:40- Now ALL the bouncers are in the doorway yelling at us to move, because, CLEARLY other people are trying to get in and we’re blocking the whole *^^%^ &(*$# entry. “Those people with stamps who were already in need to go in RIGHT NOW!!” He’s looking at me when he says this because he knows that I have a stamp. I’ve been in and out and in and out. He knows. I look this guy (Tony) in the face and say, “No, none of us are going in until all of us can go in. This is complete absurdity, and we’re either all going in or all leaving.” Raising his voice (their only true weapon and negotiating skill, it seems) he repeats, “GET INSIDE NOW!!” Now Tony yells this assuming that it will intimidate me in all of my twenty-something-white-girl-in-a-tight-dress-ness and I’ll just go in. But clearly this man has never lived under my father’s roof (read: intimidation central) for a solid 18 years. Give me a break.

12:41- Jon is now straight-faced, calmly (read: the most intensely pompous jerkiness ever known to man, simply because of its simplicity) throwing one-liners back at the other bouncers. “Oh, so you’re going to yell at us huh? You think that makes you cool? Mmm hmm, right, you just do that.” I love Jon.

12:43- Gretchen decides we’re all leaving. Now.

12:43:30- Dave miraculously reappears with tickets for everyone (he has impeccable timing, I tell ya).

12:45- We’re in. Again. Or for the first time. In this little special roped-off corner of the room. With alcohol. For free. Dave is apologizing profusely to Gretch, and she is saying how it’s not his fault, she’s not mad, don’t worry (she’s too nice, this girl). I look at Dave and sweetly say, “Well, she may not be mad at you, but I sure as heck am, because in the past hour I’ve gotten yelled at 8 times by men who should’ve been yelling at you.”

1:00- I realize that Jon isn’t there. Anywhere. So I call him to find out where he went. He informs me (with a chuckle) that he wasn’t allowed back in, so he and a couple people went across the street, and, as it turns out one of his high school friends was bartending at this place, so, they too were drinking for free. Awesome.

1:45- After about an hour of chatting, watching the absurd people do absurd things, we decide to leave, and I decide I want to get one last free drink out of this place, so I go to the man who is our designated pourer, a Will Smith Wannabe with a hat pulled half-way over his face. I ask for a drink. Please. He looks at me and says, “Wait ‘yo turn, bitch.” I almost threw the ice from my cup in his face. It is most definitely, long past time to go.

All in all, a truly phenomenally great story. I think because it wasn’t my birthday and because I wasn’t the host, I was just very amused at all the craziness, taking it in stride, and merely wanting to make sure that Gretch had to absorb as little crap as possible for her special night. And oh how special a night it turned out to be. One none of us will soon forget. I think Arianna put it best when we were leaving Plumm when she said, “You know, the “club” thing is just one of those New York things you have to do once at some point. Kind of like Times Square on New Years Eve. You do it. And then you wish you hadn’t.”

I promised Gretch that someday she would be able to laugh about everything. Really. I hope she’s there, because it’s really pretty funny. It’s just too ridiculous to be anything else other than funny. In closing, a few pictures to recap the night:

This would be Dave. The Blog Group Guy. That would be Gretchen. The Birthday Girl.

The requisite Jon+Jesse+Liz

Me and the birthday girl in all of our New York Clubbin glory. I kind of want my hair to be like that all the time.

Me and the Jabes. Cuteness.

The ladies. Much bigger smiles now that we're at Honey.


-david wright said...

*bloc group

belinda said...

i love david wright - hes the coolest guy in new york!

joanna said...

i wish david wright was my boyfriend.. or that handsome will smith wannabe.. the are the shit!!