Not many people are on my car, so I notice when a sketchyish dude gets on halfway down the car and sits down facing me. From a brown paperbag he pulls out a 40 of Budweiser. Mind you, it is 1pm on a Monday afternoon. Classy guy, this one. Then he does the oddest thing, which I still can't figure out. He opens the bottle and POURS SOME OF IT ONTO THE FLOOR. Now, for those of you who have never had the distinct pleasure of riding the Metro in D.C., a city that is SO politically correct and SO out to make even the most obvious things PERFECTLY CLEAR lest someone not understand how to navigate life in any small percentage of a fraction of an inch, the floors in the Metro are carpeted. So it's not like a little mop will fix this, oh no, that beer is ON THERE, forever staining the beautiful orange carpet-like substance on the floors. Aside from that, because I'm fairly certain this guy wasn't thinking about spiting the minimum-wage worker who has to clean the floors at 2am, I feel (and I may be wrong) that if you're going to buy a 40 to drink at 1pm on a Monday afternoon, your life motto is probably something akin to "Go big or go home" and you're not the type to let any ounce of an opportunity go to waste. LITERALLY. So I just don't get it.
Anyhow, then he takes a (long) swig, puts the cap back on, and sticks it into his backpack. I'm not sure whether to be amused or shocked or weirded out, so I look around to find a fellow rider who may also be observing, to see their expression. Directly across from me is a girl about my age who clearly just witnessed this bizarre act as well.
And this folks is what this twenty-something D.C.er says to me, scoffing condescendingly and rolling her eyes:
"That is a FEDERAL offense!"
I look at her again to confirm that yes, she is in fact being serious. 100% sincerely offended because this man just committed a federal offense in front of her very eyes. He might as well have pooped on a toddler for all she was concerned. It was JUST THAT HORRENDOUS.
Only in D.C.